Something that gets brought up frequently within the neurodivergent community is the assessment and diagnosis process. More specifically, many people wonder whether it’s worth pursuing as an adult. There are a variety of reasons why people may choose not to. There are equally as many reasons why people may not be able to. Anyone who has looked into the process probably knows it’s not exactly the most accessible. Whatever the reason someone has chosen not to pursue assessment and diagnosis, it’s completely valid to rely on a self-diagnosis.
I knew quickly in my self-discovery journey that I wanted to go through the formal assessment and diagnosis process. I devoured content about Autism and ADHD and felt pretty confident that I had both. I was slightly less sure about ADHD, but I felt very strongly that I was Autistic. Yet despite that deep connection I felt with the Autistic experience, no matter how much confirmation I came across, I still felt a pang of doubt.
Navigating Doubt
Those of us who are Autistic tend to have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking. Something either is or is not. Your apartment is either clean or it is not. It can’t simply be “clean enough.” Your to-do list is either done or it is not. It’s not worth celebrating what you’ve gotten done if there are still more tasks to complete. Because of this pattern, many of us will fixate on the few Autistic traits that don’t fit us rather than the plethora that do.
I connected with so much of the Autistic experience but I still doubted that I was Autistic because of the one or two things on the list that didn’t fit me. If 9 out of 10 traits fit me, I would still discredit the idea that I’m Autistic because of the 1 that didn’t.
In fact, I remember in high school I very briefly considered that maybe I was Autistic. Then I saw the old stereotype that “Autistic people don’t have empathy” and immediately discounted it as a possibility. I sometimes have so much empathy for people (and even animals) that it becomes extremely distressing for me. So I told myself I couldn’t possibly be Autistic (nevermind the fact that this stereotype is far from true). I sometimes wonder how different my life may have been if I hadn’t.
The Power of External Validation
Because of this all-or-nothing thinking, I knew that without a professional telling me “you are Autistic,” I would always have that doubt. I’d never really accept it as fact. Because of that doubt, I wouldn’t want to connect with other Autistic people or benefit from resources meant to help us. I would be too afraid that I was taking up space that didn’t belong to me. That’s why I decided to go forward with an official assessment.
I am so glad that I did. Yes, it was a long process and yes, it cost a lot of money. I am forever grateful that I was able to pay for it. I will never forget the validation I felt when I read that final report with the diagnosis listed: “F84.0 Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Suddenly, the things that I felt were “weird” about me made sense. They weren’t defects or some sign of inferiority; they were Autistic traits.
The Shift in Self-Worth
I have spent most of my life trying desperately to hide the things about myself that others may find odd. For years, I would avoid ever acknowledging my love of primates (my special interest) because I was afraid that I would get too excited and people would think I was weird. I essentially tried to distance myself from anything I thought may make other people view me as different. I didn’t want to be different; I wanted to fit in and be accepted as most teenagers do.
That has changed drastically since being diagnosed. It had lessened as I’d gotten older, but I still often avoided anything that would make me feel too different. With the confirmation that I’m Autistic, any of that remaining embarrassment or shame went away. I no longer felt that these were personality defects. I knew that these things about me were a result of me being Autistic.
With that, I felt less responsibility to try to be “normal.” I no longer felt like I had to change myself so that other people can be comfortable. Instead, I felt that other people should be more understanding and less judgmental of the differences between Autistic and allistic people. It shifted my perspective from “I need to be less weird” to “they need to be less judgmental.”
My Hope For You
It may sound like I’m exaggerating, but that shift has been life-changing. I’m no longer embarrassed about how excited I get talking about primates. I’m no longer embarrassed when I find myself nodding along to music that isn’t playing. I’m no longer embarrassed about struggling to “look nice” because the clothes I’d wear in order to do so are too uncomfortable. I’m more embarrassed for the people who may judge me for these things because they aren’t willing to consider that their experience of the world is not universal.
I’m not trying to suggest that everyone should seek diagnosis because it will make them feel better about themselves. As I said at the top of this post, there are many reasons people may not seek diagnosis and all of them are perfectly valid. I wanted to share how the realization that I am Autistic, and the confirmation I received through diagnosis, has made me feel so much more accepting of myself. It has re-affirmed for me that nothing is wrong with me. Though I’m sure this sounds a bit corny, I truly hope that everyone can find this level of self-acceptance and stop feeling like they are “wrong.”
No matter what it is about yourself that you may have a hard time accepting, it’s part of who you are. There may or may not be an underlying reason why it’s a part of you, but it doesn’t matter – I hope you learn to love it.
If you have had a similar experience where learning something about yourself has helped your confidence and self-worth, please share in the comments! I would love for readers struggling to accept themselves to see that they aren’t in alone in that struggle and that there is hope for a more peaceful future.
